If we had only understood the dangers of the Internet, before any signs were present, perhaps we could have been more aware of the hold that pornograpghy had on our son and taken more precautions to enusre that he would not rape his sister. I had found evidence, years ago, that adult websites had been viewed on our computer. I assumed the worst and asked my husband about them. He never had time to pay our bills online, let alone use the Internet to view porn. We assumed it could not have been our son, because there was no way he knew the pass words, or had the ability to get around the software in place to prevent the viewing of any sexual content. We thought we had done all the right things. Our computer was in the family room, a highly visible place. The monitor faced into the room, so what was being view could be seen by everyone in the room. We had set up firewalls, and what we thought were other preventative measures. These things were supposed to make it so that anything with sexual content was not able to be viewed..or downloaded at all.
The thing we didn't realize is just how smart kids are about computers. They have grown up with them, their entire lives are built around this technology. They know how they work and how to get what they want from them. I had no idea that our son would know how to get around all the protections we had in place. It was a joke. If you think you have passwords protecting your hardware...think again. If you installed software which would alert you to any activity...and you have seen nothing, this does not mean anything!
One thing we didn't realize, is that although our computer itself had protections in place, our son was able to log onto MSN under guest, or under another name which he had made (because he knew our password and was able to sign as a an administrator on our computer and add or take away anything he wanted to) and was able to surf undetected. he could go anywhere and see anything he wanted, because it wasn't something we even thought to check at the time. I personally didn't know that you have to have separate software...one for your computer itself and one for the Internet.
For years there were signs...like the adult web site thing, and we did not see the connection. We chalked it up to some kind of fluke...looking back it makes me wonder how. We never thought, that there was any way that our child was capable of anything that was so deviant. That was our first mistake.
I found this on Oprah Please take a minute and watch...on the right click the link for Your Child Can be Exploited Online or at the top Click the Tile of today's blog.
I think this says it all. Kids these days are inundated with sex and the idea that it is no big deal. It is everywhere for them. There are millions if not billions of web sites which detail every kind of sex act there is...and your children know this! This was unthinkable to me, and perhaps many of you. With the click of a few buttons, your children can see anything from beastiality to child rape, LIVE.
The thing is, it is not so much about teaching you kids right from wrong, giving them guidelines and rules..as it is making sure that the opportunity for this kind of behavior is not present where they spend most of their unsupervised time. Do you get what I am saying here?
If your kids have webcams in their bedrooms...if they have laptops...if they have phones with Internet capabilities...these are all opportunities for them to see things that they shouldn't. They don't even have to be the ones searching it out, it will find them! That is how it works...OPPORTUNITY. All it takes is one. All sexual abuse starts out innocently enough. Molesters would never have opportunity if they scared their victims right away...it's all about the lure...the set up. The priming can happen right in front of you. It is so subtle that you don't realize what is happening until it is too late.
It can happen to anyone...even you, or your children. It may not happen the same way it happened to us, but never think for a minute that your children are safe from predators if they engage in online chat rooms or have access to the Internet when no one is around. If you are not diligent in your efforts to squash opportunities where predators can find ways to exploit your children, it can and will happen.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
New Beginings
Why has it has been six months since I updated this blog? A lot of reasons. It takes time for me to sort through my feelings about things. I guess, in the begining of everything that has happened, I used this as a way to vent my growing frustration. I felt so overwhelmed, and helpless. I knew my family was spiraling out of control, a mother knows these things. But I did not know the full extent of it until it was far too late. These days the overwhelming feelings are further and furhter btween. Though I do wonder these days if the damage can ever be repaired in anyway that might make life resemble what I thought it was before all of this. Sadly, my answer is no.
There is no way to go back to what I thought things were like, because things were not what I thought. Having the rug pulled out from under me, hopes shattered...too many pieces to pick up, I have realized there is just no way to make it whole again. We are much better off letting most of those broken pieces lie, and move forward in a whole new way.
Not that I particularly wish to quote Dr. Phil, however, I have heard him make this remark before and it fits..."time for renegotiation." That is exactly what we are doing now.
So much has changed since my last post. To make it quick and fill you in:
1- We were ordered by the court to pay child support to the state
2- Our son went to a treatment facility in Anchorage
3- All communication between us and the state in charge of our son has ceased for a reason not ever explained to us. We do not hear of anything having to do with his treatment, how he is doing, nothing. Our calls to their office never get returned.
4- We sold our home and moved from Alaska to begin a new life somewhere else
5- Counseling for our daughter was completed before we moved, and it was a very positive encounter for her. We could not have done so well, without all of the counselors help. We are very, very grateful for you Sally!
6- Our kids started a new school in April. It has been a huge adjustment, but they are doing really well with it.
7- Said good bye to some of the best friends we have ever had!
So, now we are in a new place, where no one knows what we have all been through. In some ways it is such a relief not to have it hanging over us all the time. No more questions about how our son is doing, or where he is, or when will he be back. In some ways it feels like he was never part of our lives, and that makes me sad. There was a good boy once, who was very affectionate and loving, and helpful. I can't help but wonder where he went, and if he will ever be seen again.
My only saving grace in this whole thing, is knowing that our girl is doing alright. She is aware of what happened, but she is doing so much better than I ever would have imagined. I am so grateful that she has so much of her Dad's personality in her. That helps her I think. She can just brush things aside, at least for now. I know there will a time when this will come back, and be a bigger issue than it is now. She is only 8. And I want her to be 8. I want her to have a childhood for as long as she can. And never worry...I can only hope for that. For now, we take it as it comes, and since we have left the place it happened, there a very few reminders. That helps a great deal.
As parents, we are surviving. I know I still personally struggle on a daily basis, whereas my husband, doesn't. That is not to say that he doesn't struggle, it's just not as frequent as me. We are celebrating our 10th anniversary today. Most marriages would not have survived the turmoil we have been through, especially in the last 2 years. But here we are. For the most part we are happy, doing what we have always done. It helps that we are best friends. Still, even the best of friends, have times when they need separate things. We are no different.
That is why I use this blog as a way to get my feelings out. I cannot communicate these things in a way to my husband, that doesn't make him feel guilty, or blamed, or just plain bad. And I don't want to constantly be the one to bring these feelings up for him and inadvertently have him relate those bad feelings to me. It is a very delicate dance that must be done, with so many feelings and people involved. Love is the only answer I have for any of it.
It would be easy to focus on the betrayals, the misfortune, the terrible, negative stuff...because there is a lot of it. It is everywhere it seems. I found my solice in focusing not on what happened, but on what is happening now. I focus on the joy and the happy times we have right now. If something comes up, I deal with it in the moment, and then let it go. I try to anyway. There are times that it still does get the best of me, and I cry or feel anger, rage even. But I think this normal. It has been just a little over a year since I found out my 6 year-old daughter was raped by her 14 year-old half brother. I say it, because it is a fact. It happened. But this situation does not, has not, nor will it define who we are as a family or as individuals.
What it has done, has defined a path we all now walk. None of us willingly. This is the part that has taken me so long to understand. Most often in life we are forced to walk the path of somelese's choosing. I was shocked to my core, taken down by the act of a child. I felt my heart was going to turn cold stone bitter. I really thought for quite sometime that my life is my choice. The realization of how untrue that is has taken me awhile to internalize.
Life is not always about the choices we make for ourselves. It is more times about how we choose to react to the choices of others. This is where the choice lies. I am doing my best to love, show gratitude, and exhibit charity in spite of it all. Though I will never be perfect (far, far from it) when I rationalize my behavior, I have to remember that above all I am a model for my children. They take everything in. I especially want our daughter to know and understand that the only person she can control is herself. No matter what bad things come her way in life, she always has a choice in how she will act,or react to situations. She is a survivor, we all are. We're still here aren't we?
I could be bitter and angry at being forced into a situation that I did not want. The reason I am not? Because there is a reason and use for adversity. It makes us stronger, better, and more able to have empathy for others. The refiners fire is hot...no one willingly wants to suffer. But it is not only for our own good, but for the good of those around us as well that we must suffer in terrible ways. I keep thinking about the Savior, and how he knew what was ahead. But not even he, wished for the pain. He did what he did, because that was the Lord's will, and he was willing to do whatever his Father wanted. Because he trusted in God's judgement, for the good of not only himself, but of all man kind. Who I am to think I know better than He?
This is the path. We chose a long time ago to put our trust in the Lord, in all things. If we truly walk the Savior's path, we must forgive, even when we might not know how or want to. In order to do that, we must cherish what we have right now. To quote the Beatles, "Love is all you need." This means a lot of things, but one of the hardest is showing love towards someone who you might not think deserves it. We can walk away, be done, not get hurt by someone ever again, and still have love in our hearts for them. Many people will say, oh yeah right! But it is true, not until we realize this, will we truly be ready to forgive and move on.
There is no way to go back to what I thought things were like, because things were not what I thought. Having the rug pulled out from under me, hopes shattered...too many pieces to pick up, I have realized there is just no way to make it whole again. We are much better off letting most of those broken pieces lie, and move forward in a whole new way.
Not that I particularly wish to quote Dr. Phil, however, I have heard him make this remark before and it fits..."time for renegotiation." That is exactly what we are doing now.
So much has changed since my last post. To make it quick and fill you in:
1- We were ordered by the court to pay child support to the state
2- Our son went to a treatment facility in Anchorage
3- All communication between us and the state in charge of our son has ceased for a reason not ever explained to us. We do not hear of anything having to do with his treatment, how he is doing, nothing. Our calls to their office never get returned.
4- We sold our home and moved from Alaska to begin a new life somewhere else
5- Counseling for our daughter was completed before we moved, and it was a very positive encounter for her. We could not have done so well, without all of the counselors help. We are very, very grateful for you Sally!
6- Our kids started a new school in April. It has been a huge adjustment, but they are doing really well with it.
7- Said good bye to some of the best friends we have ever had!
So, now we are in a new place, where no one knows what we have all been through. In some ways it is such a relief not to have it hanging over us all the time. No more questions about how our son is doing, or where he is, or when will he be back. In some ways it feels like he was never part of our lives, and that makes me sad. There was a good boy once, who was very affectionate and loving, and helpful. I can't help but wonder where he went, and if he will ever be seen again.
My only saving grace in this whole thing, is knowing that our girl is doing alright. She is aware of what happened, but she is doing so much better than I ever would have imagined. I am so grateful that she has so much of her Dad's personality in her. That helps her I think. She can just brush things aside, at least for now. I know there will a time when this will come back, and be a bigger issue than it is now. She is only 8. And I want her to be 8. I want her to have a childhood for as long as she can. And never worry...I can only hope for that. For now, we take it as it comes, and since we have left the place it happened, there a very few reminders. That helps a great deal.
As parents, we are surviving. I know I still personally struggle on a daily basis, whereas my husband, doesn't. That is not to say that he doesn't struggle, it's just not as frequent as me. We are celebrating our 10th anniversary today. Most marriages would not have survived the turmoil we have been through, especially in the last 2 years. But here we are. For the most part we are happy, doing what we have always done. It helps that we are best friends. Still, even the best of friends, have times when they need separate things. We are no different.
That is why I use this blog as a way to get my feelings out. I cannot communicate these things in a way to my husband, that doesn't make him feel guilty, or blamed, or just plain bad. And I don't want to constantly be the one to bring these feelings up for him and inadvertently have him relate those bad feelings to me. It is a very delicate dance that must be done, with so many feelings and people involved. Love is the only answer I have for any of it.
It would be easy to focus on the betrayals, the misfortune, the terrible, negative stuff...because there is a lot of it. It is everywhere it seems. I found my solice in focusing not on what happened, but on what is happening now. I focus on the joy and the happy times we have right now. If something comes up, I deal with it in the moment, and then let it go. I try to anyway. There are times that it still does get the best of me, and I cry or feel anger, rage even. But I think this normal. It has been just a little over a year since I found out my 6 year-old daughter was raped by her 14 year-old half brother. I say it, because it is a fact. It happened. But this situation does not, has not, nor will it define who we are as a family or as individuals.
What it has done, has defined a path we all now walk. None of us willingly. This is the part that has taken me so long to understand. Most often in life we are forced to walk the path of somelese's choosing. I was shocked to my core, taken down by the act of a child. I felt my heart was going to turn cold stone bitter. I really thought for quite sometime that my life is my choice. The realization of how untrue that is has taken me awhile to internalize.
Life is not always about the choices we make for ourselves. It is more times about how we choose to react to the choices of others. This is where the choice lies. I am doing my best to love, show gratitude, and exhibit charity in spite of it all. Though I will never be perfect (far, far from it) when I rationalize my behavior, I have to remember that above all I am a model for my children. They take everything in. I especially want our daughter to know and understand that the only person she can control is herself. No matter what bad things come her way in life, she always has a choice in how she will act,or react to situations. She is a survivor, we all are. We're still here aren't we?
I could be bitter and angry at being forced into a situation that I did not want. The reason I am not? Because there is a reason and use for adversity. It makes us stronger, better, and more able to have empathy for others. The refiners fire is hot...no one willingly wants to suffer. But it is not only for our own good, but for the good of those around us as well that we must suffer in terrible ways. I keep thinking about the Savior, and how he knew what was ahead. But not even he, wished for the pain. He did what he did, because that was the Lord's will, and he was willing to do whatever his Father wanted. Because he trusted in God's judgement, for the good of not only himself, but of all man kind. Who I am to think I know better than He?
This is the path. We chose a long time ago to put our trust in the Lord, in all things. If we truly walk the Savior's path, we must forgive, even when we might not know how or want to. In order to do that, we must cherish what we have right now. To quote the Beatles, "Love is all you need." This means a lot of things, but one of the hardest is showing love towards someone who you might not think deserves it. We can walk away, be done, not get hurt by someone ever again, and still have love in our hearts for them. Many people will say, oh yeah right! But it is true, not until we realize this, will we truly be ready to forgive and move on.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Can't wait for a new year!
It's been awhile since I have posted. A lot has happened. We are looking forward to a new year, I can't even tell you! Christmas was OK, but over shadowed by the fact that my husband had to go and visit his son in jail on Christmas eve. I didn't know he was going, dinner was ruined, and I spent the rest of the night in tears. IT is not a good feeling to be torn between having my family functions, the way I want them and then having my husband still have relationship with his son, who sexually abused my daughter. It put me right over the edge, when he returned from his visit, that he just had to have, in tears. There is nothing that can break your heart more quickly than to see your lover with so much pain in his eyes. Not only that he, was angry. Angry that he was even in this situation. He puts all the blame on his son, not on us, which helps, kind of. That is just the thing, nothing really makes sense or really helps this situation. The repercussions just keep coming and my gut tells me that it will never be totally over.
We are giving up our home, to move and start over. To most, this seems like a drastic measure, but to us, we have no choice. We can stay here, and continue to act like everything is fine, because with the people we all know here we have to put on the front. We have to continue living, going about our daily activities, but it is so difficult even now. And it doesn't help when we can count on at least one person asking how our son is doing. No one gets that it is eating us up inside and no one has the need to ask how our daughter is! It is tiring to even think about explaining or not...usually we choose not. But people that don't know wonder where the boy is, why isn't he here anymore. My neighbors have even resorted to asking my younger children where their brother is. I just can't take it anymore!
I desperately want to move forward and put this all behind us. But the reality is that no matter where we live, IT will always be an issue to some degree. Just yesterday my daughter asked out of the blue, "What is sexual abuse?" This gave me some insight into her world. She is so young and innocent. She had no idea, even after of months of therapy, what sexual abuse is. I had to explain it to her. Incidents like that, slap me in the face, almost on daily basis and remind me, that this will never be totally over.
Then I think about our losses due to this situation. I can't really do that very often or I get caught up in sheer rage. I can't afford to be full of that kind of emotion right now. My kids need a mom who is kind and loving and understanding. That is why there is so much time in between blogs these days...I can't think about it that often. I must look to the positive things that have resulted since this horrible thing has taken over our lives. My husband keeps reminding me that this is our life, and we can do with it what we please. I guess I have come to the conclusion that it is time to stop waiting for tomorrow to be better. I need to make today the best day it can be, because that is all we have. This moment, right now is what I am guaranteed and nothing else. My daughter needs to learn this from me. She has an entire lifetime of wonderful moments...I am not about to throw all of that away because of the actions of that one person.
We are giving up our home, to move and start over. To most, this seems like a drastic measure, but to us, we have no choice. We can stay here, and continue to act like everything is fine, because with the people we all know here we have to put on the front. We have to continue living, going about our daily activities, but it is so difficult even now. And it doesn't help when we can count on at least one person asking how our son is doing. No one gets that it is eating us up inside and no one has the need to ask how our daughter is! It is tiring to even think about explaining or not...usually we choose not. But people that don't know wonder where the boy is, why isn't he here anymore. My neighbors have even resorted to asking my younger children where their brother is. I just can't take it anymore!
I desperately want to move forward and put this all behind us. But the reality is that no matter where we live, IT will always be an issue to some degree. Just yesterday my daughter asked out of the blue, "What is sexual abuse?" This gave me some insight into her world. She is so young and innocent. She had no idea, even after of months of therapy, what sexual abuse is. I had to explain it to her. Incidents like that, slap me in the face, almost on daily basis and remind me, that this will never be totally over.
Then I think about our losses due to this situation. I can't really do that very often or I get caught up in sheer rage. I can't afford to be full of that kind of emotion right now. My kids need a mom who is kind and loving and understanding. That is why there is so much time in between blogs these days...I can't think about it that often. I must look to the positive things that have resulted since this horrible thing has taken over our lives. My husband keeps reminding me that this is our life, and we can do with it what we please. I guess I have come to the conclusion that it is time to stop waiting for tomorrow to be better. I need to make today the best day it can be, because that is all we have. This moment, right now is what I am guaranteed and nothing else. My daughter needs to learn this from me. She has an entire lifetime of wonderful moments...I am not about to throw all of that away because of the actions of that one person.
Monday, November 12, 2007
As the Days Go By
Everyday we are reminded in subtle ways that we are forever changed. We are moving forward as best we can. I still cry at some point just about everyday. I have been told, by our daughters counselor that I need to get into my own therapy. I am projecting in some ways, my own pain onto my daughter. Because I have suffered trauma in my own life that has never been properly treated, my daughter's abuse triggers very strong emotions for me that I have not fully dealt with.
It has been difficult to come to this realization. Let alone to deal with the issues at hand, I now am more aware than ever that it is time to fully put my owns issues to rest and deal with them properly. The last thing I ever want to do is further traumatize my daughter. It is very easy to overlook my own issues and focus only on what I perceive my daughter issues to be. This does not promote healing in the right way.
It is hard to take a look at the way one parents their children. Most every parent I have ever talked too, wants to be better than they are. There is almost always something they would do differently if they could. For me, it is no different. Our children learn what they see and hear. They are formed by what we do not say to them, as much as they are formed by what we do say. These little sponges pick up on the most subtle nuances that we might not even be aware of. These things affect how our children see themselves. If there is conflict in the home, whether it involves the child directly or not, you can bet they are influenced by it. The impact of conflict on a child may not even be negative. However, if there is conflict, contention, anything but peace, love and harmony at all times,you can bet a child's personality, and behaviors are affected.
This is worth mentioning because there is no way to tell how a child will be affected by the trauma of sexual abuse. Each individual internalizes trauma differently. While one child might withdraw, and be adversely affect forever, another might be more extroverted and empower themselves and take a position of survivor, rather than victim. They may not think it is any big deal. Or they may think it has ruined their entire life. The point is, there is no way to tell unless there is a professional connected to the child, helping to sort out the psychology of it all. There is no way a parent of a child who has been sexually assaulted can do the job of therapist too.
I don't mean to say that parents can not play a huge roll, even a primary roll in the therapy of their child. I am saying that a parent can not, for the most part, be as objective and bias as the situation requires. A child needs to get to a point in their healing process that they can honestly deal with the trauma and become desensitized to it. They need to able to talk about it without becoming flooded with emotion. It needs to be something they can say, without having to go back to a painful place in order to be honest with themselves about what happened to them.
The other thing I want to mention again, is that sexual abuse is an epidemic in this country. Our society turns a blind eye to it still. In our situation, we prosecuted this as a crime. The perpetrator was removed from our home, never permitted to return. And we feel, both as the parents of the perpetrator and the victim, that it is in every one's best interest that our daughter does not have to deal with her brother at all. We have been looked down upon for making this decision. Not many ask us how our daughter is doing. Rather, they ask about our son and want to know how he is. This is not helpful. We already have many strong feelings tied to this incident. And because, for the most part, people do not understand what we are going through, they think that gives them license to be insensitive to our feelings about what happened to our daughter. Our concern is not how the mentally ill, juvenile delinquent is doing in detention. HE IS FINE. He does not deal with the situation at all. He is out of it. If he does not want to see anyone who goes to visit him, he refuses. He is not in a position to HAVE to talk to anyone if he does not want to. The rest of us can not say that.
We are still grieving. I think we will be for a long time to come. We are more aware now that it will take more than we ever realized to raise our children in the shadow of this event. We have been blessed to come to know the eternal love of our Savior. Through his gift of the atonement, we can ALL be saved. Over and over again, which is very often necessary.
It has been difficult to come to this realization. Let alone to deal with the issues at hand, I now am more aware than ever that it is time to fully put my owns issues to rest and deal with them properly. The last thing I ever want to do is further traumatize my daughter. It is very easy to overlook my own issues and focus only on what I perceive my daughter issues to be. This does not promote healing in the right way.
It is hard to take a look at the way one parents their children. Most every parent I have ever talked too, wants to be better than they are. There is almost always something they would do differently if they could. For me, it is no different. Our children learn what they see and hear. They are formed by what we do not say to them, as much as they are formed by what we do say. These little sponges pick up on the most subtle nuances that we might not even be aware of. These things affect how our children see themselves. If there is conflict in the home, whether it involves the child directly or not, you can bet they are influenced by it. The impact of conflict on a child may not even be negative. However, if there is conflict, contention, anything but peace, love and harmony at all times,you can bet a child's personality, and behaviors are affected.
This is worth mentioning because there is no way to tell how a child will be affected by the trauma of sexual abuse. Each individual internalizes trauma differently. While one child might withdraw, and be adversely affect forever, another might be more extroverted and empower themselves and take a position of survivor, rather than victim. They may not think it is any big deal. Or they may think it has ruined their entire life. The point is, there is no way to tell unless there is a professional connected to the child, helping to sort out the psychology of it all. There is no way a parent of a child who has been sexually assaulted can do the job of therapist too.
I don't mean to say that parents can not play a huge roll, even a primary roll in the therapy of their child. I am saying that a parent can not, for the most part, be as objective and bias as the situation requires. A child needs to get to a point in their healing process that they can honestly deal with the trauma and become desensitized to it. They need to able to talk about it without becoming flooded with emotion. It needs to be something they can say, without having to go back to a painful place in order to be honest with themselves about what happened to them.
The other thing I want to mention again, is that sexual abuse is an epidemic in this country. Our society turns a blind eye to it still. In our situation, we prosecuted this as a crime. The perpetrator was removed from our home, never permitted to return. And we feel, both as the parents of the perpetrator and the victim, that it is in every one's best interest that our daughter does not have to deal with her brother at all. We have been looked down upon for making this decision. Not many ask us how our daughter is doing. Rather, they ask about our son and want to know how he is. This is not helpful. We already have many strong feelings tied to this incident. And because, for the most part, people do not understand what we are going through, they think that gives them license to be insensitive to our feelings about what happened to our daughter. Our concern is not how the mentally ill, juvenile delinquent is doing in detention. HE IS FINE. He does not deal with the situation at all. He is out of it. If he does not want to see anyone who goes to visit him, he refuses. He is not in a position to HAVE to talk to anyone if he does not want to. The rest of us can not say that.
We are still grieving. I think we will be for a long time to come. We are more aware now that it will take more than we ever realized to raise our children in the shadow of this event. We have been blessed to come to know the eternal love of our Savior. Through his gift of the atonement, we can ALL be saved. Over and over again, which is very often necessary.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
The Fight Wages On
I think it is interesting that in this society, if a teenager takes gun to school and goes to jail, he does so without financial repercussion on his family. But if he sexually assaults his sister, he is put in detention and then "treatment", at the expense of his family.
What is wrong with this picture?
If a family were to seek out a professional diagnosis of mental illness of the minor, and did not report the crime to police, the state would step in and institutionalize the child and request that the parents give up their parental rights, so that the family would not incur the expense, the state would.
Does this make sense to anyone?
Basically, if we had not reported this crime to the state, we could have had a PhD give a diagnosis of mental illness that would have required institutionalization and the state would have done that at our request, with no financial obligation. These are just some of the things we wish we had known at the time we began prosecution. No one tells you what you can be faced with. No one from the state will take responsibility for "doing their job."
There needs to be some serious changes made to a law that forces families to be victimized again and again. We are just trying to do what we were told was the right thing. Right by who?
What is wrong with this picture?
If a family were to seek out a professional diagnosis of mental illness of the minor, and did not report the crime to police, the state would step in and institutionalize the child and request that the parents give up their parental rights, so that the family would not incur the expense, the state would.
Does this make sense to anyone?
Basically, if we had not reported this crime to the state, we could have had a PhD give a diagnosis of mental illness that would have required institutionalization and the state would have done that at our request, with no financial obligation. These are just some of the things we wish we had known at the time we began prosecution. No one tells you what you can be faced with. No one from the state will take responsibility for "doing their job."
There needs to be some serious changes made to a law that forces families to be victimized again and again. We are just trying to do what we were told was the right thing. Right by who?
Monday, September 10, 2007
Letter
I am writing today because there is an oversight in the current legislation that requires parents to pay child support to the state, when a minor under the age of 18 is in the state’s custody. While it is imperative that parents be responsible for their under age children, there should be some exceptions allowed.
My seven year old daughter was raped this year by her 15 year old half brother. When the crime was disclosed, I called police. We have followed every procedure and recommendation by this state, in order to not only get justice for our daughter, but to make sure our son gets help and is also held accountable for his actions. Our hope was to try and prevent this from happening again in the future.
The state of Alaska has said everything that what has happened is not our fault as parents. And that as a result of our disclosure, it is out of our hands. We have no choice in what happens now at all. There are statutes and procedures for everything in this matter and we have gone along and done what the state recommended. They have set the guidelines for the best placement for the perpetrator.
Just before our sentencing hearing, we received a report from the Department of Juvenile Justice that stated we would be liable for child support for this perpetrator. NEVER during the months of prosecution, from May-September 2007, did anyone from the state mention to us that we would be financially responsible if we went a head with prosecution. We went to court on September 7, 2007. I made a statement that the state is forcing us to choose between helping the victim in this case and supporting the perpetrator of the crime. The judge agreed, but said that we had no choice, because it is state law to require parents to pay support when their child is in the state’s custody. So he encouraged me to seek out my legislators.
We are a one income family, with 3 other children besides the one in states custody. While we concur that it is a parent’s responsibility to care and provide for their own children, we disagree in this case. The state has stepped in and taken custody, at no fault of our own. Everything has been taken out of our hands, including dealing with the effects of this crime on our family. Imagine the state coming in and telling the victim of sexual assault that they will be responsible for financially supporting the perpetrator in their case... That is exactly what has happened here.
We are entitled, under the current law to restitution, but did not ask for it because ultimately, if the perpetrator defaults on the payments,because his is a minor we as his parents will be liable for it. Essentially the state would require us to pay ourselves. This is absurd! There is nothing in this case, that the state has done for our family except remove the delinquent child, tell us he can never return and force us to pay physically, emotionally and now financially for this crime.
What about my daughter? A second grader, who might have to, on top of everything else, move from the only home she has ever known in order for her family to afford the enforced child support of her brother who raped her. Why should her life be even more disrupted than it already has been? What about the emotional toll that this kind of crime alone takes on her and her family? When is enough, ENOUGH?
Where is the perpetrators accountability? He gets to go to treatment instead of jail, he gets a chance to “recover” and go on with his life. What about his family? Why are we being forced to pay for his crime in every way possible? The court has already determined that it was not our fault as parents, there have been many psychological evaluations done to prove this fact.
This is exactly why, that as a nation we are seeing rising numbers of sex offenders. People choose not to report and prosecute because when things like this occur, there is no real help. The family is victimized over and over again in this process. And when all is said and done, there is only a 40% success rate for juvenile sex offenders at the ultimate expense of their family.
Alaska has the highest rate of sex offenders per capita in the entire nation. And it is not by just a little bit that we are number one. According to www.familywatchdog.com
We have 4109 registered sex offenders in this state. The next highest is South Dakota with 2267. Here is what you need to understand. This means that in Alaska, 1 out of every 170 people, is a sex offender. In South Dakota, it’s 1 out of 357 people. Our number is double with roughly the same population. Does this not scream that we have a huge problem here?
Take into consideration that only 1 in 4 of these types of crimes are ever reported at all. Then realize that every juvenile that has these types of problems who goes on to victimize some one, runs the risk of ending up in the adult correction system because of these and other problems, namely drug and alcohol abuse. These are the highest numbers of inmates in jails across the country. Doesn’t anyone see the link?
The way to make a difference here is not to hold families of these juveniles financially accountable. It is to encourage families to report these crimes and seek out the help they need that the state had already made available! The state has programs and money already in place. Why should a family, struggling to deal with effects and consequences of the actions of a mentally ill individual, be held accountable to support them while in treatment, if the state has taken them into custody because of a felony conviction?
Shouldn’t family responsibility shift in this case from supporting the perpetrator, to supporting his victim? Shouldn’t the state now be responsible for the perpetrator and the family is responsible for the victim? Shouldn’t victim survival and recovery be equally as important, in order to again PREVENT the victim from taking this event and turning it into reason to abuse drugs and alcohol? Or from becoming an offender themselves? The state should not require families to do both when they take all of the control out of the hands of the parents in the first place. This is a gross injustice, one that affects 1000’s of families not just in our state, but across the nation.
My seven year old daughter was raped this year by her 15 year old half brother. When the crime was disclosed, I called police. We have followed every procedure and recommendation by this state, in order to not only get justice for our daughter, but to make sure our son gets help and is also held accountable for his actions. Our hope was to try and prevent this from happening again in the future.
The state of Alaska has said everything that what has happened is not our fault as parents. And that as a result of our disclosure, it is out of our hands. We have no choice in what happens now at all. There are statutes and procedures for everything in this matter and we have gone along and done what the state recommended. They have set the guidelines for the best placement for the perpetrator.
Just before our sentencing hearing, we received a report from the Department of Juvenile Justice that stated we would be liable for child support for this perpetrator. NEVER during the months of prosecution, from May-September 2007, did anyone from the state mention to us that we would be financially responsible if we went a head with prosecution. We went to court on September 7, 2007. I made a statement that the state is forcing us to choose between helping the victim in this case and supporting the perpetrator of the crime. The judge agreed, but said that we had no choice, because it is state law to require parents to pay support when their child is in the state’s custody. So he encouraged me to seek out my legislators.
We are a one income family, with 3 other children besides the one in states custody. While we concur that it is a parent’s responsibility to care and provide for their own children, we disagree in this case. The state has stepped in and taken custody, at no fault of our own. Everything has been taken out of our hands, including dealing with the effects of this crime on our family. Imagine the state coming in and telling the victim of sexual assault that they will be responsible for financially supporting the perpetrator in their case... That is exactly what has happened here.
We are entitled, under the current law to restitution, but did not ask for it because ultimately, if the perpetrator defaults on the payments,because his is a minor we as his parents will be liable for it. Essentially the state would require us to pay ourselves. This is absurd! There is nothing in this case, that the state has done for our family except remove the delinquent child, tell us he can never return and force us to pay physically, emotionally and now financially for this crime.
What about my daughter? A second grader, who might have to, on top of everything else, move from the only home she has ever known in order for her family to afford the enforced child support of her brother who raped her. Why should her life be even more disrupted than it already has been? What about the emotional toll that this kind of crime alone takes on her and her family? When is enough, ENOUGH?
Where is the perpetrators accountability? He gets to go to treatment instead of jail, he gets a chance to “recover” and go on with his life. What about his family? Why are we being forced to pay for his crime in every way possible? The court has already determined that it was not our fault as parents, there have been many psychological evaluations done to prove this fact.
This is exactly why, that as a nation we are seeing rising numbers of sex offenders. People choose not to report and prosecute because when things like this occur, there is no real help. The family is victimized over and over again in this process. And when all is said and done, there is only a 40% success rate for juvenile sex offenders at the ultimate expense of their family.
Alaska has the highest rate of sex offenders per capita in the entire nation. And it is not by just a little bit that we are number one. According to www.familywatchdog.com
We have 4109 registered sex offenders in this state. The next highest is South Dakota with 2267. Here is what you need to understand. This means that in Alaska, 1 out of every 170 people, is a sex offender. In South Dakota, it’s 1 out of 357 people. Our number is double with roughly the same population. Does this not scream that we have a huge problem here?
Take into consideration that only 1 in 4 of these types of crimes are ever reported at all. Then realize that every juvenile that has these types of problems who goes on to victimize some one, runs the risk of ending up in the adult correction system because of these and other problems, namely drug and alcohol abuse. These are the highest numbers of inmates in jails across the country. Doesn’t anyone see the link?
The way to make a difference here is not to hold families of these juveniles financially accountable. It is to encourage families to report these crimes and seek out the help they need that the state had already made available! The state has programs and money already in place. Why should a family, struggling to deal with effects and consequences of the actions of a mentally ill individual, be held accountable to support them while in treatment, if the state has taken them into custody because of a felony conviction?
Shouldn’t family responsibility shift in this case from supporting the perpetrator, to supporting his victim? Shouldn’t the state now be responsible for the perpetrator and the family is responsible for the victim? Shouldn’t victim survival and recovery be equally as important, in order to again PREVENT the victim from taking this event and turning it into reason to abuse drugs and alcohol? Or from becoming an offender themselves? The state should not require families to do both when they take all of the control out of the hands of the parents in the first place. This is a gross injustice, one that affects 1000’s of families not just in our state, but across the nation.
New Developments
I have not written in a while. We have had so many things going on. I needed some time to sort them all out and decide how it is best to approach these subjects. In order to get started, you need an update.
School is back in session, and we are settling into a fairly regular routine. Now we have bi weekly counseling visits, among other things to add to our plates. It is absolutely necessary, vital in fact. It is just a lot for one mom to take in and figure out a schedule that works for everyone.
We have had our final court hearing. Our son was sentenced to "treatment" pending an opening in an unlocked facility. We have been ordered to pay child support for him as well. More on that in a minute. We are in the final stages of the "process" and I can't say that I would do it this way again, knowing what I know now.
The system is flawed. I knew this going in. But I had hope that this was the best thing, next to doing nothing and letting my step son get away with his crime and being free to do it agian. Little did I know how much it would cost us though.
We are waiting to hear from the Child Support Enforcement Department about how much we will be paying to the state for support of this delinquent child. I am personally outraged that there is no recourse for families in this position. I have written letters to officials, I have posted on http://www.congress.org/. I don't know what else to do except keep on talking about it.
Perhaps for us, this will be the way it is. Perhaps if I keep doing what i am doing, maybe some one will hear me and see that there is a need for some REAL change in this area. I have connected some dots. Read my letter, pass it on. Let me know what you think! But most of all, let your legislature know what you think about this issue. That is the only way anything will be done about it for the 1000's of families out there that are facing this same issue.
School is back in session, and we are settling into a fairly regular routine. Now we have bi weekly counseling visits, among other things to add to our plates. It is absolutely necessary, vital in fact. It is just a lot for one mom to take in and figure out a schedule that works for everyone.
We have had our final court hearing. Our son was sentenced to "treatment" pending an opening in an unlocked facility. We have been ordered to pay child support for him as well. More on that in a minute. We are in the final stages of the "process" and I can't say that I would do it this way again, knowing what I know now.
The system is flawed. I knew this going in. But I had hope that this was the best thing, next to doing nothing and letting my step son get away with his crime and being free to do it agian. Little did I know how much it would cost us though.
We are waiting to hear from the Child Support Enforcement Department about how much we will be paying to the state for support of this delinquent child. I am personally outraged that there is no recourse for families in this position. I have written letters to officials, I have posted on http://www.congress.org/. I don't know what else to do except keep on talking about it.
Perhaps for us, this will be the way it is. Perhaps if I keep doing what i am doing, maybe some one will hear me and see that there is a need for some REAL change in this area. I have connected some dots. Read my letter, pass it on. Let me know what you think! But most of all, let your legislature know what you think about this issue. That is the only way anything will be done about it for the 1000's of families out there that are facing this same issue.
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