As the Days Go By

Everyday we are reminded in subtle ways that we are forever changed. We are moving forward as best we can. I still cry at some point just about everyday. I have been told, by our daughters counselor that I need to get into my own therapy. I am projecting in some ways, my own pain onto my daughter. Because I have suffered trauma in my own life that has never been properly treated, my daughter's abuse triggers very strong emotions for me that I have not fully dealt with.

It has been difficult to come to this realization. Let alone to deal with the issues at hand, I now am more aware than ever that it is time to fully put my owns issues to rest and deal with them properly. The last thing I ever want to do is further traumatize my daughter. It is very easy to overlook my own issues and focus only on what I perceive my daughter issues to be. This does not promote healing in the right way.

It is hard to take a look at the way one parents their children. Most every parent I have ever talked too, wants to be better than they are. There is almost always something they would do differently if they could. For me, it is no different. Our children learn what they see and hear. They are formed by what we do not say to them, as much as they are formed by what we do say. These little sponges pick up on the most subtle nuances that we might not even be aware of. These things affect how our children see themselves. If there is conflict in the home, whether it involves the child directly or not, you can bet they are influenced by it. The impact of conflict on a child may not even be negative. However, if there is conflict, contention, anything but peace, love and harmony at all times,you can bet a child's personality, and behaviors are affected.

This is worth mentioning because there is no way to tell how a child will be affected by the trauma of sexual abuse. Each individual internalizes trauma differently. While one child might withdraw, and be adversely affect forever, another might be more extroverted and empower themselves and take a position of survivor, rather than victim. They may not think it is any big deal. Or they may think it has ruined their entire life. The point is, there is no way to tell unless there is a professional connected to the child, helping to sort out the psychology of it all. There is no way a parent of a child who has been sexually assaulted can do the job of therapist too.

I don't mean to say that parents can not play a huge roll, even a primary roll in the therapy of their child. I am saying that a parent can not, for the most part, be as objective and bias as the situation requires. A child needs to get to a point in their healing process that they can honestly deal with the trauma and become desensitized to it. They need to able to talk about it without becoming flooded with emotion. It needs to be something they can say, without having to go back to a painful place in order to be honest with themselves about what happened to them.

The other thing I want to mention again, is that sexual abuse is an epidemic in this country. Our society turns a blind eye to it still. In our situation, we prosecuted this as a crime. The perpetrator was removed from our home, never permitted to return. And we feel, both as the parents of the perpetrator and the victim, that it is in every one's best interest that our daughter does not have to deal with her brother at all. We have been looked down upon for making this decision. Not many ask us how our daughter is doing. Rather, they ask about our son and want to know how he is. This is not helpful. We already have many strong feelings tied to this incident. And because, for the most part, people do not understand what we are going through, they think that gives them license to be insensitive to our feelings about what happened to our daughter. Our concern is not how the mentally ill, juvenile delinquent is doing in detention. HE IS FINE. He does not deal with the situation at all. He is out of it. If he does not want to see anyone who goes to visit him, he refuses. He is not in a position to HAVE to talk to anyone if he does not want to. The rest of us can not say that.

We are still grieving. I think we will be for a long time to come. We are more aware now that it will take more than we ever realized to raise our children in the shadow of this event. We have been blessed to come to know the eternal love of our Savior. Through his gift of the atonement, we can ALL be saved. Over and over again, which is very often necessary.