New Beginings

Why has it has been six months since I updated this blog? A lot of reasons. It takes time for me to sort through my feelings about things. I guess, in the begining of everything that has happened, I used this as a way to vent my growing frustration. I felt so overwhelmed, and helpless. I knew my family was spiraling out of control, a mother knows these things. But I did not know the full extent of it until it was far too late. These days the overwhelming feelings are further and furhter btween. Though I do wonder these days if the damage can ever be repaired in anyway that might make life resemble what I thought it was before all of this. Sadly, my answer is no.

There is no way to go back to what I thought things were like, because things were not what I thought. Having the rug pulled out from under me, hopes shattered...too many pieces to pick up, I have realized there is just no way to make it whole again. We are much better off letting most of those broken pieces lie, and move forward in a whole new way.

Not that I particularly wish to quote Dr. Phil, however, I have heard him make this remark before and it fits..."time for renegotiation." That is exactly what we are doing now.

So much has changed since my last post. To make it quick and fill you in:

1- We were ordered by the court to pay child support to the state
2- Our son went to a treatment facility in Anchorage
3- All communication between us and the state in charge of our son has ceased for a reason not ever explained to us. We do not hear of anything having to do with his treatment, how he is doing, nothing. Our calls to their office never get returned.
4- We sold our home and moved from Alaska to begin a new life somewhere else
5- Counseling for our daughter was completed before we moved, and it was a very positive encounter for her. We could not have done so well, without all of the counselors help. We are very, very grateful for you Sally!
6- Our kids started a new school in April. It has been a huge adjustment, but they are doing really well with it.
7- Said good bye to some of the best friends we have ever had!

So, now we are in a new place, where no one knows what we have all been through. In some ways it is such a relief not to have it hanging over us all the time. No more questions about how our son is doing, or where he is, or when will he be back. In some ways it feels like he was never part of our lives, and that makes me sad. There was a good boy once, who was very affectionate and loving, and helpful. I can't help but wonder where he went, and if he will ever be seen again.

My only saving grace in this whole thing, is knowing that our girl is doing alright. She is aware of what happened, but she is doing so much better than I ever would have imagined. I am so grateful that she has so much of her Dad's personality in her. That helps her I think. She can just brush things aside, at least for now. I know there will a time when this will come back, and be a bigger issue than it is now. She is only 8. And I want her to be 8. I want her to have a childhood for as long as she can. And never worry...I can only hope for that. For now, we take it as it comes, and since we have left the place it happened, there a very few reminders. That helps a great deal.

As parents, we are surviving. I know I still personally struggle on a daily basis, whereas my husband, doesn't. That is not to say that he doesn't struggle, it's just not as frequent as me. We are celebrating our 10th anniversary today. Most marriages would not have survived the turmoil we have been through, especially in the last 2 years. But here we are. For the most part we are happy, doing what we have always done. It helps that we are best friends. Still, even the best of friends, have times when they need separate things. We are no different.

That is why I use this blog as a way to get my feelings out. I cannot communicate these things in a way to my husband, that doesn't make him feel guilty, or blamed, or just plain bad. And I don't want to constantly be the one to bring these feelings up for him and inadvertently have him relate those bad feelings to me. It is a very delicate dance that must be done, with so many feelings and people involved. Love is the only answer I have for any of it.

It would be easy to focus on the betrayals, the misfortune, the terrible, negative stuff...because there is a lot of it. It is everywhere it seems. I found my solice in focusing not on what happened, but on what is happening now. I focus on the joy and the happy times we have right now. If something comes up, I deal with it in the moment, and then let it go. I try to anyway. There are times that it still does get the best of me, and I cry or feel anger, rage even. But I think this normal. It has been just a little over a year since I found out my 6 year-old daughter was raped by her 14 year-old half brother. I say it, because it is a fact. It happened. But this situation does not, has not, nor will it define who we are as a family or as individuals.

What it has done, has defined a path we all now walk. None of us willingly. This is the part that has taken me so long to understand. Most often in life we are forced to walk the path of somelese's choosing. I was shocked to my core, taken down by the act of a child. I felt my heart was going to turn cold stone bitter. I really thought for quite sometime that my life is my choice. The realization of how untrue that is has taken me awhile to internalize.

Life is not always about the choices we make for ourselves. It is more times about how we choose to react to the choices of others. This is where the choice lies. I am doing my best to love, show gratitude, and exhibit charity in spite of it all. Though I will never be perfect (far, far from it) when I rationalize my behavior, I have to remember that above all I am a model for my children. They take everything in. I especially want our daughter to know and understand that the only person she can control is herself. No matter what bad things come her way in life, she always has a choice in how she will act,or react to situations. She is a survivor, we all are. We're still here aren't we?

I could be bitter and angry at being forced into a situation that I did not want. The reason I am not? Because there is a reason and use for adversity. It makes us stronger, better, and more able to have empathy for others. The refiners fire is hot...no one willingly wants to suffer. But it is not only for our own good, but for the good of those around us as well that we must suffer in terrible ways. I keep thinking about the Savior, and how he knew what was ahead. But not even he, wished for the pain. He did what he did, because that was the Lord's will, and he was willing to do whatever his Father wanted. Because he trusted in God's judgement, for the good of not only himself, but of all man kind. Who I am to think I know better than He?

This is the path. We chose a long time ago to put our trust in the Lord, in all things. If we truly walk the Savior's path, we must forgive, even when we might not know how or want to. In order to do that, we must cherish what we have right now. To quote the Beatles, "Love is all you need." This means a lot of things, but one of the hardest is showing love towards someone who you might not think deserves it. We can walk away, be done, not get hurt by someone ever again, and still have love in our hearts for them. Many people will say, oh yeah right! But it is true, not until we realize this, will we truly be ready to forgive and move on.