Can't wait for a new year!

It's been awhile since I have posted. A lot has happened. We are looking forward to a new year, I can't even tell you! Christmas was OK, but over shadowed by the fact that my husband had to go and visit his son in jail on Christmas eve. I didn't know he was going, dinner was ruined, and I spent the rest of the night in tears. IT is not a good feeling to be torn between having my family functions, the way I want them and then having my husband still have relationship with his son, who sexually abused my daughter. It put me right over the edge, when he returned from his visit, that he just had to have, in tears. There is nothing that can break your heart more quickly than to see your lover with so much pain in his eyes. Not only that he, was angry. Angry that he was even in this situation. He puts all the blame on his son, not on us, which helps, kind of. That is just the thing, nothing really makes sense or really helps this situation. The repercussions just keep coming and my gut tells me that it will never be totally over.

We are giving up our home, to move and start over. To most, this seems like a drastic measure, but to us, we have no choice. We can stay here, and continue to act like everything is fine, because with the people we all know here we have to put on the front. We have to continue living, going about our daily activities, but it is so difficult even now. And it doesn't help when we can count on at least one person asking how our son is doing. No one gets that it is eating us up inside and no one has the need to ask how our daughter is! It is tiring to even think about explaining or not...usually we choose not. But people that don't know wonder where the boy is, why isn't he here anymore. My neighbors have even resorted to asking my younger children where their brother is. I just can't take it anymore!

I desperately want to move forward and put this all behind us. But the reality is that no matter where we live, IT will always be an issue to some degree. Just yesterday my daughter asked out of the blue, "What is sexual abuse?" This gave me some insight into her world. She is so young and innocent. She had no idea, even after of months of therapy, what sexual abuse is. I had to explain it to her. Incidents like that, slap me in the face, almost on daily basis and remind me, that this will never be totally over.

Then I think about our losses due to this situation. I can't really do that very often or I get caught up in sheer rage. I can't afford to be full of that kind of emotion right now. My kids need a mom who is kind and loving and understanding. That is why there is so much time in between blogs these days...I can't think about it that often. I must look to the positive things that have resulted since this horrible thing has taken over our lives. My husband keeps reminding me that this is our life, and we can do with it what we please. I guess I have come to the conclusion that it is time to stop waiting for tomorrow to be better. I need to make today the best day it can be, because that is all we have. This moment, right now is what I am guaranteed and nothing else. My daughter needs to learn this from me. She has an entire lifetime of wonderful moments...I am not about to throw all of that away because of the actions of that one person.