Over The 2 Week Mark

I can not stop thinking about the door that has swung wide open since this all came about. Not only the past few months have come spilling out, but the way past has come up. Mine, my mother's, my sister's, my grandmother's. I have never before in my life encountered such an understanding of many different things all stemming from one. It is proof to me that we are all connected. Quantum physics is real and working in our lives. Before I get more and more off track, and this really turns into psycho babel, let me explain it as I have come to understand it.

Last week, when I was still in the mode of filling in key family members about what had happened in our home I had a conversation with my mother. She basically told me that my ex husband had sexually abused my youngest sister over 10 years ago when she was 5 or 6. My sister did not giver her any details of the abuse,at the time I called to talk to mom last week. She just said that he had done something to her and that she had not been a virgin for a really long time. She has since disclosed more information to my mother.

I have two younger sisters. This one is only 17. My other sister is 26. I am 34. When I was 20 I married a man who was 8 years older than me. We were together 4 years from 1993 to 1997. He was not the best of men. We divorced for a lot of reasons, but the bottom line, he was a drug addict, sex addict and out of control. After I left him, I found out more than I had ever known while I was with him. He had many on going relationships with women, and he raped a 16 year old girl in my living room while I was at work. I found out from the girl after I had been separated from him for a while. She never pressed charges. Living a double life was second nature to him. While I was married to this man I knew that something was wrong, but I really had no idea how much he was doing. I never thought for a moment that he would hurt my sisters or any one's child for that matter. I was oblivious to what was going on around me. I had many opportunities to leave him, but I felt like I could love him enough to change whatever it was. I had no idea what I was really up against. My 26 year old sister told my mother when I was getting my divorce, that my ex had raped her. Basically, it ended up that she was doubted, For whatever reason. The youngest didn't tell because she said that no one believed her sister. She was convinced that no one would believe her either.

So here it is, right in front of me, it is every where I turn. I can now count a grandmother, my mother, myself, 2 sisters, and my daughter ( this is 6 blood relatives that I know of) who have been sexually abused. If I know 6, how many do you know? How many people is this happening to that will never tell? More than you will ever know.

How this relates to quantum physics is that basically we attract what we think about. We are giant magnets in the universe. What is happening in our mind is always there, even if we don't recognize or see it at all.
For more understanding see : http://www.worldwidenlightenment.com/48.html

So here I sit, waiting and wondering for what is next. All of this just keeps spilling out in to the open and I keep thinking what am I to do with all of this? I go back and forth between past and present. Hoping that I am doing the right thing by talking and expressing and trying to heal. I say that I hope because there is always the possibility that my own daughter will say to me that she resents me for telling everyone.

I do n0t wish to make an example of her. I wish to make an example of us. How silence and pretending that it didn't happen is what perpetuated these acts over and over. I hope that by getting to the root of it, that we can rid it from our lives and never have to experience the pain of this abuse by another we know again. I wish we could rid the world of this sickness. My goal is to work on my world, those around me, every one I come into contact with. To be more aware, eyes wide open to the behavior of others. We need to say that we will not tolerate, at any level, sexual abuse. If it happens one time, it will happen 2 and so on if it is not stopped.
It may not be by the same person. It may be by several people that we keep letting into our lives because this is what we know or feel about ourselves. People who have survived abuse have coping mechanisms that help them get through. We sometimes end up shutting things out. We forget to recognize that the fault lies with the perpetrator and not with us. However, we have a responsibility to ourselves and our families to recognize and get help so that we do not bring the wrong kinds of people into our lives, whether it is intentional or not. It is our responsibility to do what we can to keep this out of our lives.

Intervention is the key. The earlier the better. I am not saying that every abuse survivor is traumatized the same way, or even at all. Everyone has their own perceptions of what happens to them. I am not suggesting that survivors live it over and over again either. But the closer to the time of the abuse, the better for desensitizing and trigger awareness. These things are key so that survivors can take control of their emotions and not let the emotions control them. We pass these behaviors on, without awareness. We have no idea that we are teaching our children to behave in unhealthy ways. This is what I hope to stop and prevent in the future for my family and those around me.

Awareness and understanding hope to deal with these situation as they arise is what will help. If people understand that there is real help, then perhaps they won't feel the need to keep it a secret and let it destroy their lives. Think about the people in your life. Think about their behaviors. Think about what they look like and what they act like. There are certain things that we see, that we don't know we are seeing.

Am I suggesting paranoia? No. I am suggesting that you think twice about who your leave your children with. I suggest that you ask a lot of questions and give your children and other family members opportunities to tell you things about what happens when you are not around. If you see your child or any one's child acting out in sexual ways, this should be a red flag. It might be innocent, but if you ignore it and never say anything, you will never know for sure. The time for benefit of doubt is gone. This should be replaced with, ask and ask and ask again. And also explanation of what is acceptable behavior and what is not and why. Talk about sex with your children as young as 5 and 6 because they need to know what it is and what it is not. Our society is so over exposed to sex now days that you can no longer think like your parents did and wait for the "right time" to give the birds and bees talk. You children need to know in plain terms what sex is and what it is intended for. Arm them with knowledge so they can not be deceived or confused by some one else.

I say all of this because we had several red flags that were ignored. My kids had asked me what sex was, and I told them very little. I just said the usual that it was between moms and dads who love each other. It is for making babies. That was it. I thought that was enough for a 6 and 7 year old.

My daughter hated to stay with her 14 year old brother. She would cry and carry on and say, "I don't want to stay with him! " I asked her, several times why she did not want to stay with him. I told my husband that I thought there was more to it than sibling rivalry. I asked her what was going on. She said he was mean to her. I asked her what she meant by mean. She said he raised his voice and yelled at her and other mean stuff like that. I asked her if he hit her or ever put his hands on her, she said no. All the "signs" were there but the mistake I made was not relying on my own intuition and relied instead on what was said. She did not want him to hate her. She did not want to be to blame for any unhappiness that might have came about by us finding out. Lord only knows what he told her too. He made her pinkie swear no to tell. So she did what she had to do, she acted out in other ways hoping that we would be smart enough to not leave her alone with him again.

But we were not that smart. We justified it, we ignored, we did not listen to our own feelings about it. We said to ourselves, "not our kid,that would never happen to us." We deceived ourselves into thinking that we were above it happening in our home, because we knew what to look for. I thought that because it had happened to me, I would be ready for it and be able to protect my own from it. We thought we had taught good Christian values and that our children knew right form wrong and that was enough.

I wasn't ready. I wasn't even close to ready. I bet you're not either.