Day 5

Today was the arraignment. It was a difficult decision to make to go at all. My husband should not have to go it alone. He needs me, I am his wife, the mother of 3 of his children. My daughter deserves to know that we stood up for her and faught for justice, thought I really don't believe that there is such a thing.

As we sat in the court room and took it all in, we were numb. I sat quietly, as did my husband waiting to hear what was to be said. It took about 15 minutes all told. The next hearing date was set June 15, 2007. There might be 3 or 4 more of these things. I hate the system right now. It seems like it was set up for the criminals benefit. If I hear one more time how "treatment" is going to help him, I will just scream! Treatment???? I wonder how you can claim that there is such a thing. What makes a 14 year old rape his 7 year old sister? I really don't want to know the answer to that, and then again I do.

He says that there is no reason. He was never abused. He has no answer for why he did what he did. Even if there was an answer, it would not make it better for us. It would not discount the harm that has been done. I want to move forward, get as far way from this moment as possible and the only way I can do that is to work through my own issues about what has happened and realize that my daughter does not see this the same way as I do.

She has just a fraction of the picture. She can not comprehend all of what has happened. And I do not want to do anything to make it worse than what she already perceives it to be. My salvation in all of this, my saving grace is knowing that One has already paid the price for this sin and knows our pain.

We had to endure many hours of interviews. The police had to come to our house to collect evidence. Pictures were taken, reports were written. Our daughter had to endure a medical exam that rivals any humiliating and uncomfortable gyno exam I have ever experienced. She had to tell complete strangers what happened and what her actions were. She had to see her mom cry. She had to feel scared and confused and upset. She had to cry herself. But only once. I have never known anyone in my life to be so strong and brave.

One comment she had made to us was that what happened is in the past and she is not going to bring her past into her future. She knows it is not her fault that any of this happened. She is not going to let it stop her. I have never been so proud of some one. We all need to take a lesson from this 7 year old. Forgive and forget and do not let what other people do control who you are or what you become.

Today we are getting used to the idea that our family has changed. The dynamics are new. We will never be the same. But as it turns out, we have a new resolve. We stand firm as a family. We are grateful for what we have and the relationships that we have with family and friends. The crying has been reduced to a few times a day instead of aconstant stream of tears. The anger ebbs and flows. The sick pit in my stomach is growing smaller. The urge to vomit has lessened. The prayers are unceasing. I still can not sleep, or eat much.