Day 6

I feel as thought this is a testimonial to all those out there who feel that there is no hope. I know there is. Why else would something like this not just kill us? The days go on. I have not cried one tear today. I actually slept last night. We are starting to come back from this. Tiny, tiny steps, but they are steps forward none the less.

My daughter is doing remarkably well right now. She has prayed that God will forgive her brother for hurting her. She is very kind hearted and loving and this has not weakened her at all, so far. It is not for years to come that we will see the affects of this on her. But with as much counseling and love and support from friends and family as she has, I hope that it will be a very distant memory for her. One that she does not feel she has to dwell on.

My 8 year old son is very sad that his big brother had to leave home. They shared a room. He really looked up to his big brother. He is happy to have full reign over the Xbox and games now though. He is glad to have his own room. But he says he would like it better if his brother could come home. This is hard. Having to explain why he can't ever live with his brother again. We have made that decision. My husband is very adamant about that. I agree that he should not live here anymore.

The state will likely give him a slap on the wrist for this since it is his first offense. They have told us already that the maximum he could get would be 2 years. And that is not locked up, away from society. That is in "treatment". Don't get me wrong, I believe that he needs help, lots of it, but at what cost? So he can feel free to harm another child? So he can potentially grow up to have deviant thoughts and act on those? I don't know. I have been very confused by all of this. It would seem so simple, he broke the law, lock him up and don't let him out until he can be a law abiding member of society. But it is not that simple as we are finding.

Where is the justice when my daughter is falling love for the first time and feels ashamed because of her past? Where is the justice when her lover touches her for the first time and it makes her feel disgusting because all she can think about is how her brother touched her? Where is the justice when she has to come face to face with it and work it all out in her own mind?

It has taken me almost 30 years to deal with my abuse. I have had many issues because of it. I know she is not me. I am so glad that she isn't! I was never helped as a child coping with incest. It was just swept under the rug like nothing had ever happened. I spent my childhood confused and isolated. I grew more and more angry. I suppressed a lot of my true feelings because I never really understood what had happened until I was an adult.

Then I decided that it was time to let it go and try to forgive it and move forward. It took a lot for me to do it, but I had. Until now. All of it came flooding back, even things I did not remember before. My husband and I have spent hours talking about it and trying to understand what we have to do for our daughter. I have to keep telling myself that I am the adult now. I am not the hurt scared child I once was. Except that I still feel her inside me, kicking and screaming for some one to save her.

I do not want that kind of hell for my daughter. I will do everything in my power to be there for her to help her let go of it now so that this doesn't haunt her future.