Day 4

It is 11:50 am on Thursday May 24. It happens to be my grandfathers birthday. Not a happy day for us. In fact since Sunday May 20, 2007 at about 5:45 pm happiness is a distant memory. The word normal has no meaning. Our day to day living has been replaced with moment to moment getting by and trying to process what has happened.



My step son lives with us and has since he was 5, he is now 14. I found out on Sunday, that he has raped and molested our 7 year old daughter. It had been going on for a few months. We are angry,devastated, and hurt beyond belief. We are doing our best to cope, but nothing is normal anymore. I have felt every emotion that is humanly possible in the last few days. Eating and sleeping are a joke. Daily tasks are all that keep me from going crazy with guilt, anger and extreme sadness.

We have struggled since our marriage began. Not because we are not deeply in love. Not because we don't really want to be together, but because we are two totally different people trying to make a blended family work. It hasn't. There is no such thing as blended. Don't get me wrong, I know there are a lot of people out there who do make it work and it is fine, but more often than not there are more difficulties than people care to admit. Let's face it, being parents, whether they are your own children or not, is hard. There are no exceptions to this rule. That is the standard. Then put the word step into it, and it becomes this whole other thing. All of your normal feelings,care and worries are magnified. Everything you do and say, is under some one's microscope (especially your own super microscope). You second, third and fourth guess yourself and everything you do and say because you are always trying to do the right thing, and no matter what it never is because you are the STEP parent and not the REAL thing. Even though you are doing the real work, and taking care of the real children. It is terribly messed up, even at best. With all that being said, I have done my very best, even in the worst of circumstances to be a good mother to this boy. Have I lost my temper, you bet. Have I been frustrated and angry and confused, definitely. Have I made mistakes, many. Have I loved him and raised him as one of my own, YES!!!! I have given him more attention, more of everything, because it was required. I had to try that much harder at everything.



Having been a child who was abused by a family member myself, all of that came flooding back when I heard what had been taking place in my home. I thought we had done everything right, taken all the appropriate measures. We never left our kids with anyone we didn't trust. We had been having open discussions about sex abuse. There was an incident in our neighborhood back in November of last year that made me want to be more aware of the sex offenders that live here and where they are. I talked to my children, all of them, repeatedly about safety and not letting anyone touch them inappropriately. We made a plan, they knew the rules. They were told all of the standard things and even some other things that I wanted to be sure they knew so they would be safe. I started a neighborhood watch. I got community members involved in purchasing signs and having meetings. But we never talked about what to do if another child did the abusing. We completely over looked that. We left ourselves a gaping hole for someone to get through and get at our child. We never even thought it could be a possibility that our own son, would do something us like this.



We did not protect our own child at home. What we were missing was behavior. We were so busy looking for signs, and at other people that we didn't even pay attention to behaviors and things going on in our own home. We over looked them and justified them even, because we didn't know what we needed to know.



So here it is: Every parent out there needs to know that there are behaviors, not just signs that point to tendencies that could lead to this type of behavior and that you can stop them and prevent a tragedy in your homes.



1- If you have boys and girls start early with letting them know what is appropriate and what is not as far as bathing, sleeping and play, not only with their own relatives but other children as well. I am not saying be paranoid, I am saying ere on the side of caution and do not provide opportunity for them to get too comfortable with one another because they are familiar. It becomes that much easier to go to a sibling, relative or friend that you are comfortable with when curiosity arises.



2-Do not let teenage boys babysit alone. This is opportunity waiting to strike. Even a good upstanding boy, might falter if given a safe opportunity with a sibling or other relative that he is comfortable with, or a family friend he has known for a long period of time. Trust is a huge factor in getting some one to keep your secrets. We as parents need to be on the look out constantly for opportunities and squash them before they come into light.



3-Make it clear what you expect from your children at all times. Make sure that your children understand what their bodies are made for and help them to understand at an early age that certain things like masturbation is normal and natural curiosity is OK. Be clear about what OK is. Set clear and firm boundaries according to your own value system about when and where they can do it and let them know that it is absolutely not something to be shared with anyone else. If they have questions, let them know they can come to you no matter how uncomfortable it might seem to you. Make it clear that this topic is something that they should talk to you about and not their friends or siblings or other adults.

4-Have a plan of action and let your children help devise this plan. 90% of all child sex abuse happens with someone they know and trust. Make a list of people that your child feels comfortable with and would tell if something was happening to them. Parents can not be on this list. There has to be several people more than 3. Make sure your child knows that if they are ever threatened, touched or abused in anyway (and PLEASE make sure you are not general about this, be very specific about what abuse is and what it means) that they will tell at least 2 of the people on that list. Make sure that those people know that you have a plan and that they are on the list so that potential abusers know you are ready for them. Then take it a step further and tell every member of your immediate and extended family. It may sound extreme and paranoid, but truly if you tell everyone you know that you are not going to tolerate, give the opportunity or over look any kind of stepping out line, you have probably warned off your abuser. You have taken away any hope of having a victim in your home keep any kind of secret.

5-Make a point to tell all of your children what the rules are. You will not tolerate any kind of inappropriate behavior from them. Examples would be not respecting privacy, boys going into girls rooms unannounced and vice verse, being in the bathroom at the same time with the door shut, bullying of any kind. Any kind of reference to sex from siblings to one another. Make sure you drive home the point that family members do not engage in sexual activity together. You need to make sure that your children understand what sex is and what it is intended for. If you are not clear with them, their curiosity will get the best of them at some point.

6-Answer any questions your children have, age appropriately and honestly. Do not embarrass or humiliate them for asking. If you are not sure what to say or how to explain what they are asking, tell them that you will get back to them in a specific amount of time and do some research. Be clear on what you want your children to know and when. It is naive of parents today to assume that their 6 and 7 year old have no idea what sex is. It is everywhere in mainstream media and children are most vulnerable to it. If they see it over and over and no one tells them other wise, they will think it is just the way it is.

7-Often times a predator will use fun and games to get their target to engage in these activities. The more fun and exciting they make it, the more tempting it becomes. They will use "love and affections" to get what they want. Often victims become willing participants because it feels good, they are feeling loved and appreciated and it might seem like a fun game. Don't use the "good touch, bad touch" routine when explaining what is safe and OK for your children. Replace that with "confusing touches". The reason is, if you explain that someone touching their private area is a "bad touch" then they might not understand if it FEELS good! Our bodies are made to respond in a certain way. Children have to understand that sex feels good, that is why people want to do it. But explain why and when it is appropriate according to your particular set of values. And make it very clear that sex in any way shape or form is NOT for children at all even if it might seem like a good idea because it feels good. You have to take away the curiosity and replace it with fact. You have to provide your child with tools they can use when their natural sexual curiosity arises. If you don't they can fall prey to whatever someone else might tell them and then the damage is done.

These are just obviously my own opinions. I am sure that there are many who will disagree for this reason and that. Many who might say that I am wrong. And I will tell you this, if I had known or thought to do any of these things, my family might not be in this situation right now. Ask yourself it it is worth risking your child's way of life to be in the dark about the dangers that are everywhere in our society. I am not saying for go trust and faith. I am not saying to talk about explicit topics in a way that would be damaging to a child. I am not suggesting that you in any way give a child any ideas that they don't already have. You best know your own child and circumstance. I am just telling you what I wish some one would have told me before it was too late.