Ajudication

What does that mean?
noun: the final judgment in a legal proceeding; the act of pronouncing judgment based on the evidence presented. In English it means entering a plea. Guilty or not. Jury trial or not. Today was a very hard day.

We were running late, had to be in court by 8:45 am. We were, but very out of breath. Then I saw our son in hand cuffs, shackled. Hair unkempt. Eyes dark, no emotion. Holding his head high. I wanted to punch him. I literally wanted to take out all of my anger on him in that moment. Then came the tears. I had to hold them back, court had not even begun yet and I was not going to cry.



The judge came in. All rose, all then sat again. The charges were read. It was asked if our son understood the charges against him. Yes. What is the plea? Guilty, your honor. The judge asked him if he understood the charges again. Yes. He asked if he understood that if he pleas guilty to these charges he is waiving his right to a jury trial. Did he understand? Yes. Then the judge asked him if he did what he was charged with doing. And he said yes. Let the record show that the plea was guilty as charged.



So many emotions filled my mind in those moments. How did we get here again? What happened to him? Why did he make these choices? What can we do about it now? Why doesn't anyone care that he has yet to say he is sorry?

It is supposed to comforting that he has admitted guilt.



It makes no difference to me if he admits it or not, what's done is done. There is no going back from it whether he admits to it or not. The damage is done. It is supposed to better for him in the long run and better for us if he admits to the charges and gets into therapy as quickly as possible. But I have my doubts as to what difference any of this is really going to make in the long run. All I can do is what seems the most right things at the the time. All I can do is my best, with what I know at this time. Am I perfect in my knowledge, certainly not. Show me someone who is and you have shown me God himself.



After the hearing,we were met with a visit from O.C.S (Office of Children's Services). We were told outside of the court room today that it was standard procedure for O.C.S to interview families in our situation. OK, seemed perfectly logical to me. We set up an appointment for this afternoon. The social worker came to our home. Asked all kinds of questions and took lots of notes. I pulled out scrapbooks, I answered every question honestly. I was asked about discipline and what my family was like growing up. I laid it all out. I have nothing to hide. Then I was told that there were some allegations. OK, I thought. I knew there were allegations against our son, did she think I had questions about it, or just didn't know what they were?

These were not allegations toward our son, they were against me. Oh yes, some one called social services and reported that I have abused my children. It is no secret who did this. And it was so obvious that it was going to happen that I called it in the beginning. I told my husband that his ex wife would be looking to blame some one for what has happened to her son and that she would some how blame me. And here it is.

It is not enough that we have had a terrible tragedy, the rape of our 7 year old daughter by her 14 year old brother, but that we now have to have our lives dissected and micro probed by whom ever the government chooses because some crazy, vengeful, guilt ridden, sorry excuse for a mother decided that I was not good enough to her poor little baby boy. It is disgusting!

Why is it that our society puts up with, and even helps dead beat parents get out of their responsibilities to their own flesh and blood? We are too quick to point a finger at a stereotypical step parent ( oh yeah, they must be the cause, they aren't the REAL parents) and assume that there must be a problem because it was a broken home after all.

HELLO??? Understand that it was broken when I got here ladies and gentlemen. I am the least of the problem. I have been doing my best fix whatever I could and it has never been enough, and never would be because I am not the person who created the problems in the first place. And the person who did, just left it up to some one else and when it didn't go the right way, blamed not herself at all.

Who does some thing like that? I mean really. How did this mess become about her? Narcissistic. OK, I guess the bottom line is that no matter what happens all I can control is me. I have to figure out how to hold it together and be the best me I can for my family's sake. I have to find the love, in spite of the opposition. There is no other choice, because otherwise that means defeat. And I won't go down like that.

Adjudication means entering a plea. Mine, not guilty.