For Other Parents

I got this information from my daughter's counselor and thought it needed to be passed along. This can be taken several ways. My hope is that it is taken as a help, as an eye opener to what is ahead, if you aren't already aware.

Few things are more painful than finding out that your child has been hurt. You are powerless to take the pain of it away. Helping your child recover from sexual abuse will be a long and difficult process for everyone involved. I have been told it is ongoing crisis, its length unknown. This can seem very daunting and over whelming. It is important for you to take care of yourself so you have the strength to take care of others that need you. These things can help: emotional support from caring friends and family, therapy groups for parents of sexually abused children, if none are available you can start one. There are also several self help books for parents, refer to the recommended reading at the end of the book. And my personal choice a good therapist or two. It never hurts to have a second opinion and more perspective.

Many feelings may arise from your learning about the abuse. You may feel guilty, or even blame yourself for not being aware or anticipating it was happening. Such feelings are not unusual, although they may not be realistic.

If a family member or close friend is the offender, your feelings may be quite confused. You may find your loyalties split. Family sometimes takes sides, creating more losses for you and your child. If the offender is a sibling, you may feel torn apart. How are you supposed to choose between two of your children? How do you make sense out of what happened? Your potential sense of quilt could be so great that you don't want to believe your child. If you feel this way, talk with a trained counselor. It is necessary for you to support your victimized child; you may need help in order to do that properly.

If the offender was one of your parents, it may bring up memories of your own past abuse or confusion about loyalties. This issue needs to be dealt with separately from your child's abuse. You have to first address your child's needs and then address your own issues and deal with them as well.

If the offender is your spouse, the issues are even more complex. Your entire way of life and your child's could be changed, especially if you depend solely on on your spouse's income for support. You may also have to come to terms with the fact that you were betrayed by someone you love and trusted. You may be surprised to find you still love this person. You don't automatically stop loving someone, no matter how angry and disappointed you might be. You might also find it easier to be angry with your child than with your spouse. It may in fact become easier to believe your spouse than your child because of everything at stake. BELIEVE YOUR CHILD. Children do not normally lie about these tings; offenders usually do.

When a child has been abused, especially by a parent, that child takes on a care taking role with the offender and with the rest of the family. Children are often unable to give up this role while living with the offender and treatment in many cases in ineffective. For this reason, it is believed that the child should not have to live with or have contact with the offender until that person takes responsibility for the abuse and is in treatment. It is strongly advised that the offender, not the child, leave the household. Children who are taken from their homes feel blamed. Forcing children to leave causes them to feel abandoned and to feel re abused. This might be an extremely difficult choice for you, but your child's well being and future lie in the balance.

Families handle parental abuse in different ways. Many split up; some choose to reunite. If as a parent you want to work toward reunification, this should be done in a slow and thoughtful manner with the help of trained professionals, law enforcement and child welfare agencies.

Parents sometimes think that other children in the family can be protected from knowing about the abuse, but children always know when something important and unbalancing is happening to their family. When the family is in emotional crisis and choose to pretend that nothing is wrong, this behavior is very frightening to children. What to tell the other children and when depends upon their ages. Parents usually find that therapy is helpful when making decisions about disclosure.

Sexually abused children act out in a variety of ways-truancy, sexual promiscuity,running away,and compulsive/addictive behaviors. They are trying to block the pain. Some become overachievers. While this may seem like a good adjustment to adults, it is likely to be a brittle one. Their ego's may easily be shattered. When things don't go their way, they can fall apart. Notice whether or not your child's reactions are out of proportion to a situation; notice whether he or she frequently becomes inconsolable. Seek help, most likely you are not able to pick up on subtle changes in behavior that may make a difference if counseling is sought early on.


People who have been sexually abused are usually diagnosed with PT SD, post traumatic stress disorder. Symptoms can be delayed for years, emerging only when a stressful event occurs. The event is often unrelated to the abuse, but it arouses similar feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and loss. Some times memories of the abuse are forgotten, and then they are recalled only when the victim is strong enough to deal with them. Some parents find the issue of sexual abuse so painful that they deny its effects. They look to other causes for the problems that the child is having , preferring to link those problems to a more recent event. When this happens, the child is discouraged from dealing with the pain, shame, and despair caused by the abuse; his or her compulsive/addictive behaviors get treated on level of symptoms instead of root causes.

Children who were sexually abused often become angry with a non offending parent. They feel enraged for not having been protected. While it is true that they weren't protected, the reality may be that there was no way this parent could have known. But feelings have little to do with logic. Children don't always know why they feel the way they do and it can intensify the feeling in a negative way. It's important for you to understand what is happening. If you put into perspective and don;t over react, these trying times could go more smoothly. It is not suggested that you allow your children to become abusive. To put it simply, feelings are explosive and children need some space. You can talk later, when you are both more calm.

Children need consistency and understanding to work through this issue. This is much easier said than done. Being sexually abused makes your child feel bad about themselves. It's often easier for both of you to feel anger than to feel the pain and helplessness associated with abuse. Your children usually know you very well and they know how to aggravate you. Consciously reminding yourself of this can make it easier not to over react.

Having a support system in place will give you an outlet for your feelings. A therapist could be very helpful through the rough spots. Even with everything in place, dealing with sexual abuse is very painful. Time, understanding, and hard work are the best healers. If you need help please call the sexual abuse hot line at 1-800-422-4453.

As a parent of a sexually abused child, and a survivor of sexual abuse myself, I tell you that it is imperative that you get in touch with your feelings and put them in check so that you can be be as effective as possible for your child. Some of the things that I have experienced since my daughter's disclosure have been knew feelings for me, most have not. I have had to learn to deal with feeling disgusted,terrified and humiliated, fearful and anguished in different ways than what I am used too. It has not been easy, but putting everything in to perspective has helped. As parents we are always teaching, verbally and non verbally. We have to be emotionally available to these children at all times. If we are so wrapped up in our own thoughts and feelings, we forget that theirs are more important right now. If we are to busy to notice when they need an extra hug or just some down time one on one, then we miss the valuable self esteem building teaching moments with them. These things are important to the overall health of any child, but especially one who has been abused. Take the time you need for yourself, get help if you need it and make yourself completely available to your child who needs you. You can make all the difference in the outcome. You, parent, make a difference, don't discount your effect on your child.